I’ve wanted to write these last weeks, but to say I’ve been in a state of depression would probably be an understatement. I wonder if losing a sibling is comparable to losing an appendage. Sometimes you feel them there like a phantom limb then realize they’re still gone. For the topper on the cake so to speak, Brooks and I ended up with Covid right after Robbie’s services. Feeling sad and being stuck in quarantine worried our son would get it too was rough. Pride camped a fair amount. When we were in the same room we would mask up and we tried to sanitize everything we touched as much as possible. Brooks and I had just received our second vaccine, I do think it helped. Now it’s time for me to get up and start moving again. I’m chipping away at getting the house cleaned, I’ve been cooking again and I took a shower today. I guess it’ll be the little victories trying to find normal again. I think losing a sibling is the most painful thing I’ve dealt with. As the youngest I know my siblings have always been watching out for me and trying to protect me, we can’t protect each other from everything. I think if they could, they would. I guess that’s what family does. You never want to see your loved ones in pain because you feel it too. It’s easy to take your family for granted, you simply feel they’ll always be there. I think my brother Mike gets overlooked a lot. He’s always been that quiet presence giving me guidance, watching out for me.
One memory from when I was quite young. Robby was a late teen and at an age where he and our dad butted heads periodically. I recall sitting in a booster chair being made ready for dinner when Robby walked in. Tensions immediately escalated, fists flew and Rob and dad threw each other into walls. I was strapped helpless in a chair. Mike threw himself over me shielding me not only from fierce blows but the sight. I remember being so afraid…that dad would hurt Robby, that Mike would be hurt…just FEAR. I was told I probably shouldn’t talk about this, but families aren’t perfect. These harsh realities become defining moments that effect the rest of your life and become the building blocks of who you are. I think it is also important to bear in mind that this took place nearly 40 years ago and it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence in many homes. Also anyone that has raised teenagers and can honestly say there was never a time they wanted to bounce their kid through a wall is probably lying. Anyway, I always knew Mike would look out for me.
Mike taught me how to tie my shoes and when someone hurt my feelings he always had the best advise. He has also stood by me and let me rage without reacting no matter how angry or ugly inside I’ve been (I was probably ugly on the outside too). Mike is that person that just makes you feel better by being there.
As adults Mike is my go to. We have a lot in common and I’ve always liked to think I can figure out what he’s thinking most of the time by just a look. I believe we think a lot alike. Actually I’ve been fortunate in my siblings that we are all typically on the same page with everything and we really share more likenesses than anything. I was just thinking about being kids and how we picked on each other (being the youngest I did not have the upper hand although I did have a tendency of being a tattle tail), but we would stand up for one another against all odds.
As hard as this all is I know I’ve been pushing everyone away. Hopefully I’ll remember that together we’ll heal before I push everyone too far away.
Sytog North 
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