I’ve neglected to write anything for an excessively long time. This year pairing a global pandemic and an election year I didn’t feel like I had anything spectacular or unique to add. I have however decided maybe I need the therapeutic journey of writing for my own mental health. I’d like to talk about how this year has not only effected our guide season but our family.
As this year began we were a family with tons of changes on the horizon. I quit my job at our local vet clinic to work on Brooks’ fishing business. Logan had a boyfriend she was moving in with and Pride was getting ready to graduate from high school. Becoming partial empty nesters or total depending on Pride’s plans after school was a bit overwhelming. All these years family has been everything! Part of the evolution of family is change, I guess the evolution of life in general is change. It’s pretty exciting to see the adults your children grow to become, as hard as it is to turn the page to the next chapter a little part wants to hang on. Well, this year had some plans of it’s own. Shortly after Logan moved out Covid 19 moved into our lives and with it a whole lot of uncertainty. School closures, grocery shortages, and all the other shutdowns including our business; all the things the whole world experienced together. Like everyone else we lived in pj’s and Pride continued school online.
We got out of our pj’s periodically to float the river or get our dogs out. Mostly though Netflix was a good buddy while taking a break from the news.
Glass cutting was one of our more questionable projects. 
Pre quarantine I finally got to fish with my sister Kathy! 
The greenhouse that blew away. 
Why not have blue hair? 
When the gyms are closed… 
The boys attempt at tree trimming. Logan going out on a limb? 
Quarantine was hard on a lot of people. Logan came home (I for one was happy to have her back). In May Pride graduated from high school. His school chose a drive up ceremony. I actually really liked it! I felt like families really got to celebrate their students. Vehicles were all dressed up parade style. Pride chose his own graduation flair!
June rolled around and with it a little breath of fresh air as restrictions slowly lifted. As soon as people could travel they most certainly did! We stayed busy all Summer. It was good and a little nerve wracking. Trying to keep our guests and ourselves safe and healthy. Covid 19 aside it is already a dangerous job. This year the rivers seemed to change quite a lot. We experienced some big storms which felled trees, creating additional water hazards.
We also decided to expand a bit to other rivers. Some rivers have permitting systems for commercial use. I won’t delve into the deep details although it is a bit of a process to work in other places sometimes. We bought a camper so we could work and travel without worrying about where we would be staying. We also had plans for the hunting season. Now that both of our kids were out of school and I working with Brooks we could go do some bird hunting, big game hunting, well we had a lot of plans to close out this year. After such a surprisingly busy season full of ups and downs we were really looking forward to a little R&R.
If you’ve read my previous posts you may have seen my Living The Dream series. I’d like to refer to it here. I’ve talked about how with our lifestyle there are risks. We don’t work and live on the lazy river at a resort. We spend time in the real outdoors on real rivers with real consequences. I’ve also stated that if you spend enough time on the river things happen. Well, this year it did. As our season was closing out we were faced with a sobering reality. We nearly lost our son and both of our dogs. I’ll summarize as much as possible although you may want to read Brooks’ account, you can visit troutzoolamontana.com.
Pride and I floated our drift boat to a walk in fishing access to meet Brooks and our dogs. Later in the day Pride was going to go fishing with a couple of friends. People notoriously mess with unattended boats so Pride was walking the boat across the river. Our dogs followed. The water was about waist deep for the boys, but downstream there was a small log jam. It didn’t look like much of a hazard. Just some downed trees with fairly shallow water in front and a gravel bar behind. As it turned out there was one spot where the water funneled under the trees with incredible force and a hole about 10 feet deep. Our dogs swam around the edge and were sucked in. Our son Pride ran to help but was sucked in as well. With one hand on our dog Fenris’ collar and one on the log, he had to make the choice let go or die. I watched my son barely clinging to a log, his head just above water as my panicked heart raced. I yelled for him to just get out of there. Brooks crashed across the river to assist. Pride let out a primal scream as he hoisted himself up out of the water with an incredible feet of strength. He was able to snag Silas out of the water as he was just going under, but Fenris was gone. After witnessing this horrible scene I was scared to cross where Brooks and Pride had and nervous about the current pushing under those logs. I crossed just below which turned out to be about neck deep and a little faster than I’d like. Once across we pulled as much debris as we could from the obstacle to no avail. He was unreachable.
My mind just couldn’t grasp right away that he was gone. We went back several times trying to retrieve his body. That woody tomb remains a reminder of our loss and that the river may give but it also takes. The rest of the day was an awful blur. Brooks rowed the boat to the next take out where Pride and I picked him up. Logan was working, So we called her boss and went to her. A feeling of hollowness ensued, a likening of being inflicted by the spirit of the Wendigo. Hungry for our family member yet yearning and hollow.
In the weeks that followed we relived that nightmarish day over and over in our heads. The images that burned behind my eyes are nothing to Pride’s visions I’m sure. Living in our own private hell as the mind can be a wonderful and terrible place. To us our dogs are more than just dogs. They are family. They live in our home, sleep in our beds, travel with us. They are special. Fenris was most certainly special. He had a certain knack of spending just enough time with everyone to make you feel as though you were his one and only. He was such a bright spot in all our lives.
Our old house deathly quiet as it absorbed our pain and mourned our loss. Including Silas (Fenris’ half brother), he didn’t want to eat, he just cried and searched for his lost brother. Neither did he want to let Pride-his savior out of his sight. In the imposing quiet we sought healing. I think our family must heal through chaos for chaos soon followed. Trips to Seattle and back for an older dog that didn’t work out. Brooks and I stuck in a snow storm. In the mix we were sure outdoor time would be helpful. We camped, hunted, but still felt incomplete. I realize very little time has passed but we are really only here for a little blip of time. We can hermit up and hide from the world or we can press on. Somehow in the chaos we unravel and find our sanity.
A life cannot be replaced but a new life brought in can renew your spirit and remind you to live again. We found a sweet little guy we’ve named Albus. In truth we probably need him more than he needs us. We will heal in time. Distraction may soften the blow of the pain.
We did lose our wonderful dog Fenris, but we still have our son. As much as it hurts I’m proud that he knew when to let go. We can rebound from a whole lot of things I don’t think losing a child is one.
In this life we have choices. We can hide and close ourselves off from the world or we can make the most of every day. Either way the fates have their sheers on your life string. Laugh hard, love deeply, cry, just feel for fuck sake! Make it real!
Sorry not sorry this has been one long post. It has taken me several weeks to write so you have essentially followed some of our journey. Today felt like a good day set my feelings free. This November, Friday the 13th 2020. Five years ago today we brought Fenris home. It feels right that today I accept he’s gone. I’d like to thank everyone that has been there for us and continues to do so. You know who you are.
Be humble and tread light my child for Mother Nature’s warm embrace can become a cold bite in an instant.
In loving memory of Fenris
Sytog North 
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